Part Time..........whatever......UGH!!!!

OK, so now this girl hasn't spoken to me in the past, oh, I don't know.........month? I mean, what am I supposed to think about this situation. Maybe she got pissed at waiting on me to make a move. Thing is she's never actually flirted with me to give me any indication that she's interested in me so I didn't know. Yeah, she know how to text her feelings, but I find that to be an indication of her being shy or something. I already know she's never been in love, and I'm pretty sure she's probably still holding onto me because I'm the first guy who's treated her like a human being, but it's getting tired. I feel like I'm getting bored of her shyness because it's not making me come out of my shell. I can be shy, but if the girl acts like we're just friends, what am I supposed to do. she only got affectionate with me when we were texting and that was annoying, because she can't express her feelings through the phone except for texting how she felt. I don't like that at all. I tried to endure it, but it just persisted. I take it that THAT has been her experience with men, but come on. If a man comes on to you with genuine attraction, you should at least try to keep his attention. when we'd speak, all I would get is a matter-of-fact description of her, and it was annoying. Yeah, I got that she likes being affectionate, but she would describe it as though she were describing some museum, or, in other words, boring. She told me that she was going to call me after ME calling her on or after Thanksgiving day and I don't think I'm going to hear from her after that. I think she's incapable of expressing herself and that's sad, because I really like her. I think she's gone through a lot while getting to know her but I'm not trying to save her. She's got three kids from a man who didn't love her or who she never loved at all. I don't know how to think about that, because how can you NOT love someone and have children with them. That disturbed me. I know I was going to judge her anyways, so to date her might not be a good idea. The fact that she smoked weed didn't bode well with me either so I guess it's probably best if we just didn't get together. I'm glad I'm taking my time with women these days because it eliminates a lot of heartache with someone you really didn't have any feelings for in the first place. I respect her and her plight, but I just think she just might not be for me, and I'm OK if she doesn't want to know anything about me. I can be an asshole with women I don't care for, and it's happened before, so I have been trying to be mature about the situation by taking my time with getting to know them to see if, by getting to know them, I might want to further the relationship. I have no problem in getting to know them while not wanting to FUCK them in the process.....but some just want to fuck because they haven't had any in a while.  I'd rather not participate in that type of activity out of anxiety or desperation, because I do call them desperate. STDs are easy to get when you're that promiscuous and I'd rather not be that way. I enjoy being loyal to one woman, but I DO have to get to know them.  Unfortunately, I think that she's not my type.  I would like to think that she's my type but I think her having three kids really just got me nervous, and maybe I shouldn't have started talking to her. dating a girl with three kids can be costly especially when the kids are in their teens. They're not cheap, and you don't want to act like the asshole step-parent, and eventually it's going to get on my nerves that I can't afford them as I can't afford one child now. I have non for that reason.  Oh, well, I hope she's doing well and that she achieves her goals.

Fuckin' Nerve!!!

This bitch has some fucking nerve talking about me behind my back. I should go out and whip her ass over in Philly. We met and she fucked me literally after meeting me the second time. The only thing is that she sounds like a guy when she's having sex. She tries to make me do shit that I don't want to do since I AM older than her and know what the fuck I want to achieve. She's talking shit about me but she's a fucking teacher, the nerve to think that she think she's achieved something. Her knowing Spanish only tells me how much she doesn't like being black herself. She's got some type of complex when it comes to that. it's almost like she doesn't like being black. To each their own, but you don't see me trying to deny my own race or act as though I'm ashamed of it. I remember she had a complex about her being black about everything from her teeth to her damn hair. Well, whatever you fucking maniac bitch.

Yeppers

So I'm feeling better than I've ever felt before in my life even thought I have this Palindromic Rheumatism bull....I refuse to give up on me because no one else has given up on me except, of course, my exes. Who cares about them. I love all of them, but hey, they have to move on, right? anyways, I have been feeling pretty good and this bump on my dome has been healing rather faster than I thought it would. I think someone has to be watching over me and I thank them from the bottom of my heart because I thought I'd die when I was diagnosed with my disorder. I do think that the Prednisone is totally out of my system, because I am feeling so light, like I can run through fire and nothing would happen to me. Anyways, I feel so good, even while we have a fog. Nothing is taking away my happiness. I am so open it's not even funny. I think a lot about how to make more money, but I have to get organized. I have to start thinking about how to go about making my plans to make more money. I have to come up with a business model/plan. I know I'm going to the mall  either today or tomorrow morning, I need some new stuff for my place. I have to get me a car, and a better apartment. I like my apartment, but I can't cook like I'd like to without making a big mess that's difficult or a pain to clean up. It doesn't matter, I'm fine with my apartment except for the cooking part. On a good note, I'm still voting for Obama. Mitt Romney came off as a bully, although I think that Obama just set him so he's got him wide open. Obama's gonna get him.  Anyways, have good day people.

TTYL :-)

Growing up

     As I enter yet another birthday and I face yet another health dilemma, I am also maturing to the point that I no longer want to act like some Peter-Pan-Syndrome-having type of guy. I have seen most of my friends who are still acting as if they are still 18 years old. They act as if they feel they have no responsibilities to anything, but I disagree. I have a responsibility to care for myself and I am doing so, but in doing so I have realized that the way that I dress is a reflection of the lifestyle I have.  I know that I've always liked to dress in a unique manner, but doing so can be curse because most people DO adhere to standards, but I used to hate those. Now I've come to the realization that looking good is a part of who I am. I mean, I am a Leo so I  already love myself. It's the dressing up part that I need to tweak a bit. I know how to dress it's just that sometimes I make bad decisions when it comes to buying clothes and they usually end up in a dark corner never to bee seen again. I have to be more aware of the dimensions of my body so I can buy the clothes that fit me correctly. I have bought me over-sized pants at times when I wore a certain pair of sneaker thinking it was fine to wear this, only to find out that another pair of sneakers make my pants look bigger to the point that they're dragging on the ground. They either get damaged or soiled from walking on the streets in them. I am reading on how to measure myself, even thinking about buying me some measuring tape. There's amazon so buying small things for me is nothing. I will probably order the measuring tape soon as I log off here, :).

     That is one aspect as to how I am growing up. eliminating people who are not going to affect me in my progress on towards the future. There are some either on FB or on Twitter who are just plain foolish and they contribute nothing to my progress as I am trying to better myself financially and career-wise. I have never had any type of counseling. I usually just did stuff on my own since my mother was no help in my growing up. I'm surprised I didn't have any kids in the process but I never really wanted to have kids due to NOT wanting them growing up the way I did. So I'm slowly but surely getting rid of the people who are nothing but a bunch of either hoodrats or people who have no ambition. some on FB are OK but you communicate with them on FB. I am starting to stray from FB because of the Privacy nonsense that's been going on, and I really don't want my identity stolen. I have tried to school my best friend's younger brother in going to school, but he just doesn't sign up, and it's really pissing me off because I want him to succeed and not end up a working class dude who realizes he needs to grow up and decides to take up a vocation as a result. Most of the time people who do that don't get careers, they just get jobs they hate and only take it for the money, which should not be a factor in getting a career. I'm lucky I have a job I enjoy, but that's not stopping me from getting my education to better myself more than just education-wise, but mentally. I am a thinker and I love dissecting problems to death, but I also want to be more socially accessible if that makes any sense. I don't want to NOT know what people are talking about as I get more well-rounded. I have been to parties at work where I didn't get what most people were talking about because they seemed to talk about intellectual stuff. I'm not into that unless the person is dummer than me. I can't help but talk smarter than them just to teach them something new. I am like that in a way.  In any case, alot of friends that I have (or don't have) I'm either ignoring in person or just plain not communicating with them. There's no need to waste time with them because you don't get anything out of it. You get a gossip here and there and probably the same conversation you had in a prior conversation. I have a friend like that and he's already ex-communicated so I'm OK with that. I just don't need to small talk with people. I need people who talk about  stuff that pumps you up. ambitious people usually make you more pumped to keep doing what you're doing. this friend I have always says he likes hanging out with me because we have an intellectual conversation, but you really think about it, he's always talking about the same things: old friends' gossip, some 80s singer that he loves like Cindy Lauper, Ricky Martin, or MADONNA....and boy let him talk about Madonna and he'll go on forever. Of course he didn't grow up like me, so in a sense I like him because he did finish his education. He does contradict himself at times because he's always trying to pump me to finish my education by giving me unrealistic scenarios because I live by myself. I can't just take a sabbatical from my job like he has because I don't live with my parents, like he did. Another thing is I get my job by applying for them. He got his job by being recruited. He made no efforts in finding a job. He's also not a risk-taker so to me he's pretty much worthless. He does act two-faced at times and that's a turn off. He has friends he goes to fancy restaurants with and with me he just goes to bars. He's also a cheapskate, drinking cheap beer as opposed to a beer that has some substance, such as Sam Adams(my personal favorite) or a craft beer. He's not experienced with the real world like I am so he doesn't know the realities of the real world like I do. The crazy thing is that he's older than me. He should be married by now, but I have a suspicion that he's gay. I don't mind that, but just come out with it already. Everybody thought Ricky Martin was gay and he finally came out a couple of years ago. My friend should do the same because he's pretty much on that inclination. He rarely talks about having a girlfriend, and when he does he's pretty brief. He's unlike me, who talks forever about the girl in his life. He's even gotten quiet around a girl I was talking to when she came to visit me one time.
     Well, anyways, I am grown man and I am going to act like one from now on. It seems like a long road, but a road that has to be taken nevertheless.

TTYL

The One Who Got Away!

As I get older, I realize that there was only one girl that ever made me happy, and that was when I was 18 years old. She was 17, but it was an innocent relationship. I loved her to the point that when we broke up(stupid me!) all I've been doing is trying to find her replacement. I've met girls who were sweet and everything, but I never had that spark except with maybe one, and that came with consequences. my 17 year old was not expecting me to buy her anything, she just wanted me to be me. She didn't expect me to travel with her or even go to dinner with her, a day at the park was more than enough for her. I remember when I told her I loved her. It was so real, I can't even explain how much I love/d her. I've since met what most people would call "hoes" because that's what the definition was in '93, when I'd been with V. Every other woman has been expecting me to do something or buy them something, whatever the case was: they expected me to buy them something. They weren't happy just being with me. I'm not talking ghetto chicks, I'm talking high class educated women. I guess when you get to a certain age you expect something, but to put it up front is bullshit. I am glad to have met her though, I don't regret ever meeting her. She was kind and so innocent, as was I. We were so cute together, and she was so into me. I almost couldn't believe it. I remember when she had told me that she wished I was ugly so that no one else would want me. I thought that was so crazy, lol. She would tell me that when I walked with her to anywhere, I would never look anybody or have a wandering eye. I thought I was just being me. I was with the girl I wanted to be with and nobody made me feel better. Nothing that another girl did made a difference because they weren't V. I am living proof that love does exist, and it DOES hit you when you least expect it, but you have to wait for it to catch you, not look for it. I have been looking for love for the past 20 years and I can't believe what I am saying is so true. I have dated many women, and some were just a hassle to deal with. Some were money hungry and didn't realize it. Some were just plain crazy. I've learned to take it easy and get to know a woman little by little so that if something go wrong, I don't have too much emotional investment in her. I have rushed into relationships because some girls just wanted to rush into them. That ended up in me hurting them(IF you can believe that) because I realized that we are not compatible. It's either the physical or the emotional or even the damn financial(lots of those) baggage that got in the way when it came to them. Some just didn't trust that a man can be faithful(especially young women). I am hopeful that my V will come back to me some day. She was the only girl I can truly say that I have EVER loved in my life, and that's saying alot because I've dated/talked to/slept with alot of women(though selectively!) and I'm lucky not to catch an STD or something of the sort. If only I could just know about her just to know she's OK. I don't know if she's passed away or what. You never know what can happen. Last time I had spoken to her it was 1999. It's been 13 years since I'd spoken to her. I don't know if she's had kids or what, but I just want to know how she's doing. Facebook really sucks because all the girls I had a crush on are not on there. That means they're either dead, or they ACTUALLY have a LIFE. I am thinking of getting off of Facebook because it's getting emotionally draining. People get all stuffy about nonsense they shouldn't even worry about and the motivational photos are getting on my nerves. How insecure do you have to be to tell yourself such nonsense. Funny thing is that most of my "Facebook Friends" aren't even my real friends. They are just people I found online and hooked up with them(and I don't mean sex either). Everyboidy on there is an attention whore or borderline and I don't care for such attention. The people I really wanted to see or find out about are not on FB so who cares right? It's becoming more than just passing the time on there and it's getting to me. Anyways, I'll be fasting on FB for a while, who knows if I'll even get on anymore.

TTYL

Ghetto Rant

Today has to be the ugliest day or people just get ugly attitudes when it rains out here in the Northeast. You can never take the bus when people are cranky because everything bothers them. Some lady was trying to make me aware that my iPod was bothering her, so I tried my best to put the volume down, yet the bitch kept on acting funny so I had to stop because I can't please everybody and I'm not going to cut off my Ipod just so some bitch can read her newspaper. Oh that was preceded by this "precious" looking teen who cut me off at the gas station so she wouldn't miss the bus that I too was taking. Needless to say she's fat so I have no worries about her. She was really big. I can't believe one can be a teenager and be that big, she was practically a grown woman. I see Diabetes in her near future and that's why I didn't bother messing with her. had she been a grown woman I would've been really upset. You didn't get any home training or manners? nobody taught you any decent etiquette.

Now to talk about this smartphone, I'm getting rid of it. I don't need to carry the internet on my cellphone because it costs extra money to do so and I already have it at home. I will be getting off of the smartphone fad soon as my contract expires or I'm good enough for an upgrade, only I will downgrade to a lower profile phone or whatever.

Let's see what this co-worker does this morning. I think he should get the paper if he wants to get it sooner than I'm supposed to get it. The nerve of him. He should get it on a regular basis if he feels that I'm playing him for a fool. I'm really not. I just refuse to do work when I'm not assigned for it since I'm not salaried. I am looking for a different job and I hope it will not be in the same industry.

Damn, I think I came in to work too too early, no...but I can't mess with these schedule changes, and it's freezing in my office too. I swear these people at my job want to kill me.  well, let me get back to work before I get some type of talking to.

~TTYL~

Time are a'changin'

So I hear that two more establishments are closing in a neighborhood near where I live at? but I mean, come on, did they think the neighborhood would be forever Italian? it's Spanish and Portequese so I don't know. Oh, and asian, no longer Italian, and it's an italian place. I think they might've turned off the PRs and DRs that live near there with their nonsense, so I can't blame the neighborhood for not giving a fuck for their leaving. Anothhing is that they didn't pay their taxes for over four years. I don't really care for the restaurant as I had never frequented it since it was too far and I think their prices were high as hell for a place that looked like shit. Oh, well, fuck 'em.  I think they didn't expect the neighborhood to change, but they had to have seen it coming once the Italians left the neighborhood and it becamse pretty much all Section 8 housing. Why's it that that is all that's going on? Section 8 everywhere, even wehre I live at!!!

So I'm on day 13 of my pred withdrawal and I had to call in sick yet again. I know my supervisor is probably sick of me calling in sick, but I can't do anything about this. I do have my sick time, and I'm using it wisely. I'm not trying to skip work or anything, but these pains are a pain in the ass. they go away as the day goes by, but damn if I can't get up right away. I am full of pain from my neck to my damn left foot, and now I feel like I'm smelling some type of chemical that's been lingering around in my place for a couple hours now. I haven't drank anything in about a week or so and I'm feeling pretty good about that since I know I'm not an alchoholic. People that don't know me just don't know my discipline and I know my discipline. I can just say no to drinking and I'm done. All of my exes are fools for thinking that I was a lush. Well whatever, bitches. you deserve whatever bad thing happens to you. What a bunch of dumbasses jumping to conclusions. Well I would have thought the teacher would be smart but she's just as dumb, all she knows is Spanish and that's not feat in itself. Anyways, I'm venting but I hope that I feel better tommorrow.
 TTYL

Doctors

I sometimes wonder if doctors really give a damn about my health becuase I keep getting passed over for some bullshit. Why the hell is this damn doctor never at her office when I need to see her. I could be dead in a few days and all these people care about  is their fucking vacation time? Why the fuck is everybody acting like they're against me? I am getting no damn answers where EVER I look and it's frustrating, and I can't get stressed or this shit gets worse.

LOL

So I find out my ex from two years ago got back with her ex with whom she'd broken up before she met me. She had him on her mind while being with me, and I knew that. She had gotten a call while I was at her place. more like a text message. When she got it, she'd acted as though I should react mad or something. acting all scared, and I didn't care since I'd been with her for about a month or so. Anyways, she'd been on his mind, and one thing I don't care for is a woman who's still got her ex on her mind, because it never really goes anywhere. come to think of it, I think a bunch of women I've dated date me because they want to forget their exes. it's fine with me as long as I fuck 'em. She wasn't even good in bed at all, so to me it wasn't worth trying to act better, I just let her do what she had to do and eventually she left me. She left me, a man who has no children of his own, for a man who's got children already. She's got an attachment already, and I'll bet he's got no future to speak of. She won't last with him, I'm sure. He's already made his mistake having a child out of wedlock whereas I don't have any. I'm a catch for the right girl. She's still young and looking for her soul mate, of which he is not. She's disillusioned with Spain now, but sooner or later HE will be the rut that she runs into, and she might end up pregnant with his SECOND child, and her first, only to be left fatherless. He's probably acting young and addicted to her wild pussy even though she can't fuck and me, being 7 years older, and more experienced, know that she's an amateur when it comes to sex. But damn, the actress chick was about the same age or so and I know she can fuck better than this girl. I think she was always anxious because she was always trying too hard to please me, but I was fine doing my thing. It's like she was trying to prove something to me, but all it did was get me annoyed.
Well, good luck, because it will not last. You're a type A personality and type a's don't mess with the guy you're dating. He'll just be that, your "novio" and nothing else.

Sat Mornings

OK, so what the hell is up with women these days? I just had some stupid argument over texting with this damn girl who, although, is around my age...acts like a 12 year old. texting gets people into problems because the sentiment is taken the wrong way, especially if the other person refuses to talk to you. I swear I'mma have to be a dog with women these days, because seriously...I can't take them seriously anymore. First they say they want a relationship, then, while getting to know you, they start acting like they don't...so instead of telling you to fuck off, they parlay it as though I'm about to hurt them physically. Unless I literally fly off the handle...they won't say shit. just acting all passive-agressive on me. I swear this broad got on my fucking nerves. Acting like she likes me, inviting me to the beach and shit. and THEN she tells me she wants my friendship...which is bullshit. She was weird anyways, but fucking her would've been nice. Don't like what I said, don't read my fucking blog, BITCH!!!!
anyways, I'm going to resort to treating women like bitches and whores, who cares how they feel. Being the nice guy is not what it's cracked up to be. Most women want an asshole, and I've been that for some..but not all. I guess I will just have to be one for the rest of my prospective hoes...yes, HOES...don't like it, fuck you, DON'T READ MY BLOG, BITCH!!!!...

if this sounds like I'm insecure, go ahead and say that, but whatever, my mom never treated me like shit, so I have no reason to hate women. and I don't, but being a nice guy is getting me nowhere, but sex and headaches...You can't be with a girl for too long before they start catching feelings for you and when you fuck them they start acting as though you both are an ITEM, which is bullshit because a nut is just a NUT...nothing more, nothing less. I can do the chivalry shit until I get some ass, then that shit goes out the window. no need for it anymroe, they are pretty much clay in your hands, and I've taken advantage of that with some, not all.

the other day, my ex was ranting about her friends who have no ambition, yet she has no ambition...what a concept..LMAO!!!!!! I had to laugh at the bitch because she was seriously reflecting upon her failures and probably didn't realize it, but then again, she's pretty absent-minded as I've always noticed.

damn, all I wanted from that Domonique chick was just a fuck...she's tall as hell and skinnier than a chic-o-stik...so I mean, what can I do with her dumbass...oh, and she's uneducated, which I hate. as I got to know her I realized she's not as smart as I thought she'd be, but whatever, I'd fuck her.

Anyways,

funny how people

I just read a post from my ex's blog talking about how she doesn't understand why people have no ambition or are comfortable with life the way they make of it....YET here she is, a fucking teacher...a Spanish teacher at that...and she has some fucking nerve talking. You know that saying, "those who can, do, those who can't, teach!!" she fits that persona. She's been wondering what the fuck to do with her life, yet, all she knows is Spanish. That's it. Nothing new about that, it's the easiest shit to learn and teach. You can't make a career out of being fluent in Spanish. Yeah, you can teach and it's a comfortable life, but that's probably all that you can do. I remember she didn't know what she wanted to be all the while asking me what I wanted to be, even though my degree was Business and Political Science. Those are degrees that I'm working on so I can be something and contribute. Being a fucking Spanish teacher doesn't do jack shit but teach kids about Spanish so I have to wonder what's going through her head. She doesn't know what she wants to do either yet here she is talking about people who have no ambition. She's always said that  I was lucky for working at an Ivy League college, yet she went to one and Decided to take the easiest programs...Spanish, all through and through, Even went all the way to Master it, LOL....I mean, I know Spanish and she may know more of the dictionary version than me, but that doesn't get you far. All it does is make you get around easier in Spanish-speaking countries.

Why would she think like that is my question. OK, A*****a, you're not doing anything about your life yourself, all you're doing is Teaching, AND you're teaching Spanish at that. Everybody I know that took spanish in HS didn't do anything with it, no matter what these spanish teachers tell you about being more productive in  the U.S. because you have a second language. That is such bullshit and they know it. They just told you that so that they could keep their jobs. The word of the day is JOB SECURITY. alot of people lose sight of what's lying beneath the surface of what people say and mean these days. it's like they don't analyze shit until they are too late. And you do this alot becuase you fail to see the big picture. I remember you wanted to be a career counselor, but yet you fail to find one yourself.
Why act as though you're different, when in reality, you are just the same as everybody in here. I swear you are special A******a.  You really don't analyze anything until someone points it out to you.

I've had Spanish teachers who never inspired me to enjoy my native tongue, because it was just a job to them, their comfort zone, and trust me, if and when I get my degree I could teach Spanish too, WITHOUT A MASTER'S DEGREE.

if you were a Science or a Math teacher, maybe I'd consider you making a change, but a Spanish teacher is doing nothing but getting by with that bullshit. Nobody needs spanish to get a job in the U.S. even if it was a global organization. to get an entry level position you don't need any DAMN SPANISH, and this is coming from a Spanish-speaker who's native tongue IS spanish.  what are you contributing really?

Late Night Shit

Ok, so I'm thinking and I am starting to think about all the shit that this broad was saying to me and I really think that she thought that she was disillusioned or something. I mean what the hell would you act as though  you are going somewhere when you are spending more money then you are making? I hope that she does make it so I can post her not-so-photogenic photo up online...just for my own purpose th  I won't even label it by her name so she won't have to find it on Google. with any luck, her memory will be shot from all the booze that she won't remember when I took it...she already doesn't remember when it came out. She's a boozin' bitch is the fact that I didn't like her...she drinks in excess that I thought was overwhelming for someone her age. I drink but damn, I don't drink hard liquor. She has a favorite liquor and everytyhing. I don't put my faith on bullshit materials like liquor. People that put their beliefs or reliance on bullshit materials deserve the shit that comes to them becuase it's not real...migth as well call it some fucking religion. I don't stick to many thing, alot actually, tha'ts why I think I am STABLE...unlike her dumbass would like to call me about my emotions. yes, I am ranting, but who gives a fuck. I know my worth, and she doesn't know hers. it's apparent by the way she referred to herself as though she were worth nothing in front of me, giving me an unappealing look to ignore and, gradually, not like at all. saw a movie where she's in, no one knows it but the actualy people who act and actor wannabes, so the general public don't know about her....I think it's such bullshit, and she tries to make that  her bread and butter at 30...wow...OK, then...good luck with your movie career. Lord only knows I'd be dating one of your actress friends had we been together anyways, since I AM a pretty boy, :D

Now that I think about it

Today's it's raining like crazy and I have to get home so I can study for my PoliSci class(have to keep pursuing my dreams, :D)...I just heard a couple days ago that my job will be relocating my office...WTF? seriously, these people get on my fucking nerves when it comes to work because they can't just leave shit alone. they have to keep moving around people and  now they want to move my ass. Well, fuck them I'm going to look for another job, I don't want to work with those pathetic people in that office. I have an office for a fucking reason: I work alone. nobody in that damn office will be interacting with me AT ALL so I don't see where the fuck they come up with the idea that I can help support them, which is bullshit.

See I try to keep a positive attitude, but these outside factors keep interrupting me and I can't stand this shit. This more of a reason why I need to get my degree: so I can get the fuck out of here and become a manager myself.  Regardless I have to get a positive out of this since I have until the beginning or the mid of 2013 to think up a scheme or some solid plan to make myself happy. I can't let outsiders get in my way at all. me at all.

I can't wait...

to get out of this place. as I think back to the days when I was younger, I can't help but to think how much I hated my life back then because I had a tyrant for a step dad, and a wuss for a mom. Yes, my mom and I aren't on speaking terms, hell we don't communicate at all. My aunt once told me that she was crying one time because she thought that I was dying or some bullshit that my younger sister told her about me dying. Funny how she wants to cry when she thinks I'm dying when she could've let her stupid boyfriend go and stick to her kids, but no. So now, after 20 some odd years or so she wants to cry. After throwing me out the house when I was 17 years old she wants to cry.  I think it's laughable that she's doing that becuase now it doesn't matter, maybe when I was 17, I could have redeemed her, but I think it's too late so whatever.

The only thing I can say is that I'm out for SELF...nobody has ever helped me except for my adopted family, whom I adore to death because My boy's mom and dad were truly the parents I wanted, even if they weren't exactly the lovey dovey types(as my boy describes it), atleast they behaved around me.  I've always been by myself and I continue to be by myself, I have no kids and I have no responsibilities except for my rent and my job and my other utilities, as well as my education that I'm still working on getting. I'm not trying to live the american dream, I'm trying to rape that bitch and mold it into my own liking. I don't need no white picket fences, that's a pipe dream and everybody who isn't a boomer baby knows this bullshit is a fallacy.

The Truth Hurts.........Just Admit It!

So yesterday, I was told by my so-called friend that I said something mean and hurtful. She's so dramatic, it's not even funny. I told her I was just saying the truth and if it hurts her, then oh, well, it's hers to deal with.  I can't be responsible for making people feel happy if I'm telling the truth. Then she proceeds to try and berate me by saying stuff that is just not true, but she perceives it to be and only to get infuriated when I didn't respond in the juvenile manner in which she was acting. I told her she can be a real bitch, and she was telling me about her being opinionated. What crock of bullshit. She was not addressing her using her friend's weaknesses against them when she feels powerless or not in control of the situation or like she's being berated. For some reason that infuriated her even more so she started to throw things at me that she thought were going to get me mad or whatever, but I'm way better than that. I bet that she would have tried to beat my ass if she was in front of me, because she has no power against me. I told her that she's going to end up alone because of her temper, which is pretty toxic when you couple it with her insecurities.
She was only calling me to find out what she should do about her current boyfriend. I tried to let her know to take her time, but no, she wants to jump into bed with another guy a month after she had sex with her ex boyfriend who's her baby's father(talk about a dysfunctional family in the making)Again, she denies that she will be alone. I highly doubt it as her new boyfriend is already starting to call in sick and act all funny with her. That's how I was with her. She even started name-calling. I would have expected that from an 18 year old, not a 30 year old. I just let her spew whatever she wanted to spew because it didn't matter to me as she is not a friend to  me. She just kept on going and going about how I was this and I was that. I admitted all my problems that include drinking, but I think she was hiding from hers. That's how defensive this broad can get when she feels like she can't control something. I think she needs psychiatric help because her daughter is going to grow up with a mom that's like that and that's not healthy for a little girl to be seeing her mom run through boyfriends left and right. she's plain insecure about herself and her fat body, lol. I'm sure somebody will want her after she's all used up by Isaac or whatever the fuck his name is. She's got a weight problem to top it off as well, so you know she's especially obnoxious. I remember getting to know her, the more I got to know her, the more I didn't want to know her. yeah, we had sex, but it wasn't the greatest. Mostly it wasn't great because she  had deceived me in describing her weight.

I swear women that are conscious of their weight will not tell you their weight because, pretty much, they're fat....and don't want to disclose because it might discourage your wanting to date them. Of course I know this because my skinny exes always told me their weight if  I asked them.

I have been telling everybody the damn truth and no being a "yes man" and some aren't taking it too well, so they have decided to bounce, only to my benefit because I could care less about any of them. They never really meant well and most liked twisting my opinion to their liking.

Wow

You know, I wonder sometimes if I'm the only one who thought outside the box(with a few others) when it came to High School. I have found yet another classmate who I swear was going to college and he STILL lives the same city that we went to High School with no sign of leaving. I have plans on leaving soon as I get out of college and it doesn't involve staying in CT or Hartford for that matter. It seems that most of my classmates that I went to School little to no desire to leave Hartford as it crumbles. I wonder how many of them are just plain stuck because it's obvious most of them settled for the comfort that is their hometown(though I'm from Boston...big fucking difference with this bullshit city). there was this guy who used to be the pretty boy of the Class because he was a nice looking dude. all the girls used to want him......forward to 2012...he's fat balding dude. All the guys who are going bald eventually just shave their heads instead of facing old age as I have. I do not mind my silver lining coming in but most of these guys are just plain shaving their heads. Even my younger brother is doing it with his fat ass. Most of my male classmates that I know from the 8th grade and up...hell even the ones from grade school...didn't go to college, and they are of all colors so I have to wonder what the fuck happened to them. The ones in Hartford must have liked the ghetto so much that they didn't want to abandon it. That is stupid if you ask me. Most of them are doing odd jobs and are one pink slip away from going back to where they came from including my brother. All this talk about the ghetto. My younger brother's never lived in the projects, but decided that, after going to the Marines, to return to God forsaken city and live like a teenager, costing me a thousand dollars. that he owes me money is not the problem, it's his stupid push for me to accept my dysfunctional family. He can do that all the fuck he wants, I don't need them after they abandoned me, so whatever, dude. I refuse to end up like them. They even make bad life choices, most of whom have kids at an early age, which fucks up all hope of upward mobility. Having a child at an early age can rob you of your hopes and dreams no matter how much you sugar-coat it. They even make poor choices in friends. Most of them are still with the friends they grew up with, while I have moved on from the meth/weed/coke heads and drug dealers from back then. They get a guilt trip from their friends to "Keep it Real" which is asinine when most of them friends will probably rob you if they find you coming up successful. Some of my former friends are even crackheads. For me to stay friends with them would only hinder my progress in society. Your history can always come back to haunt you and I refuse to let them come back to me. I'd rather they just forget about me. I don't mean to shun them away from but I've grown up. ACTUALLY, I do mean to shun them away. We're not family, and we sure as hell aren't running in the same circles(not even on Google+) as though we were still stuck at 18 or some youth. Maybe because I never had a childhood I just made wiser choices because I had no support system while they did. That support system is probably not a positive one in my opinion because most of them are friends and family who haven't done anything to get ahead. How can one deal with such toxic people who want to keep partying all night as if there was no job to go to the next day?


I never really fit in with the ghetto crowd because my mom never wanted to move into the projects. She somehow wanted live in a better area where drugs would not affect us I guess. Regardless of how dysfunctional my family is. I think it's because she had that bastard of my step dad around and thought living in the projects would bring problems. 


Hartford is what it is and I do what I can with it, but I will leave as soon as I get out of school and I'm not lying about it. I think it's because my mom moved around when I was younger. I got used to it and being stuck in one place when I can find a better experience elsewhere is my thing. I don't mind moving around and starting all over because "Nothing is guaranteed" and I've always lived by that mantra. it just gives me freedom to have it. I don't have any attachments to anything in my life except for my money and it's because I need it to survive, Other than that I'd be done with it as well. 
I never liked being poor and I did always strive to put myself through school no matter what and I have no help nor assistance from anybody from my mom down to my Guidance councilor. That motherfucker just asked me a question and I knew I wanted to go to college, but he never really assisted me. My mom was no help because she's got a seventh grade education. She wouldn't know where to begin. This councilor just pointed to a bunch of brochures from schools. talk about overwhelming me. I only had one lady councilor who I wish I'd had because...first: she was black, and most black women tend to help out minorities in my experiences. Well women in general tend to be more nurturing and want the best out of you. So anyways, they switched from her to this one councilor who was was white and he didn't give a damn where I ended up. Probably even thought I'd end up in jail some day. I had more guidance from a colleague at work. I promised him that I would enter and finish college because he was pushing me so much. My older co-workers were a bunch of washed up has-beens who doing work that teenagers(such as myself at the time) were supposed to do. I'm sure he frowned upon them because they really didn't amount to shit really. One of them works with me now, and he hasn't done shit to better his life, he just complains but n ever tries to improve himself, and he's pushing 50. what a waste of life. Anyways my colleague passed away and I've since tried to make this promise come to fruition, but I'm alone doing this. I think my drive to finish college is my motivation because I have nothing else to fall back on if I quit. Of course I don't really believe that, but I can have more upward mobility with my new found critical thinking skills where labor is less intensive and the use of my mind is more conducive.

so it's Saturday

and I am buggin the fuck out becuase I am slowly getting over this BITCH.....YES, BITCH....and it feels good doing so.
so I am slowly looking over my dating history and I've come to the realization that I have dated some fine women...even my boy tells me. someone even told me "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" LOL.....now that is funny on so many levels :D

OK, so I've dated and had sex with a lawyer and a premed student so that counts as a doctor right?...atleast in the future, LOL....what that means is that I shoot high in my quest for arse, :D
there is a girl who's from the Stock Market who I've gotten the attention from and I am pretty much buggin over that because I have to wonder what she wants from this "pink collar" guy, LOL...I don't do much, but I am very ambitious, I have alot obstacles so I do know that I have to overcome them, but what does she see me. I'm thinking "boy toy" since she's older than me. I don't know, but she looks good...I'm asking for an STD test results though. I can't fuck around after this bullshit that happened to me.
I was in fucking turmoil thinking I had Herpes last month or so...yeah, in fucking December.......family time, right? bullshit, I was alone and cold and I had no one to talk to during this bullshit except a couple prospective long-distance women who gave me comfort(thank you to all of them)
if you must know(because I know you want to) here's what I thought I had:

I had a few bumps on my dick in early October, to mid october....so they started growing to the point that they looked like it was some herpetic thing,...I looked up the symptoms of Herpes, the gift that keeps on giving, and it wasn't pretty...but I didn't have the rest of symptoms...so I let it go and let the bumps grow as they wish since it wasn't hurting me being single...

I meet a girl who was a great catch...only thing was I had these bumps so I wonder what if we get close...so I let it slide because I'm thinking we won't get far.

so we get far to the point of fucking, so OK, NOW I'm fretting ....I had to let her go regardless because I'm not an asshole that has no morals and I don't want my little sisters to catch this shit, so I've been very careful with every bitch, yes, BITCH...that I have been with.....no need to personafy these broads...they don't need names, unless they become famous...and ONE will....and when that time comes, well, more power to her...I can say I dated an actress, :D

You know

I can't wait to start up school so I can keep my mind busy. Hopefully I will be so busy I don't think about dating. Women cloud my mind, and really keep me from progressing.  All this dating nonsense I swear sidetracks me because of boredom. Yeah, so I should be looking forward to upcoming class and I'm hoping to take even more come this Fall. forget all these women on my ass. I usually lose them by the start of the year anyways, so I'm cool with it. just glad I didn't take the last relationship so serious to the point of being depressed for days on end.....and you know what? I'm a pretty boy anyways. I got to score this average looking chick who had a complex about being photogenic, and I had overlooked that, but then I remember one photos she sent me that I was questioning her sex...Jesus. and her Niece...oh, my God everybody's gushing over her and I'm thinking "that child needs a steak around er neck so the dog can play with her" fuck that, I know that kid did NOT look cute, she looked like her mom, and this girl's sister was nothing to fawn after. Hell, the friggin' family, now that I think about it looked horrendous, I bet she won't a good looking dude like me. it's not wonder I'm such a prick. I guess pretty boys really are assholes.  Oh well, I try, but my ego gets the best of me. I know I bragged about how good I looked one too many times. Never mind that she was eccentric, she was just plain PLAIN when you think about it. I'm getting over her and I'm starting to realize that THAT is probably what would eventually make me leave her or lead to her heartbreak. Great personality, but damn if I didn't think she was all that in some areas. I am thinking like myself now. I might lapse back into her because of her personality, but I can find that in anybody who acts right. Appearance is a totally different scenario though, ;D

now that I really think about it

I think that I may have given this girl too much credit, because I did catch her contradicting herself while going on our dates. She pretty much acted as though she were trying to impress me, because then I would see the real person come out. Her name could be a "stage" name for all I know. She gave me some Elongated name at one point, which was the name of this song by a Jazz artist. I found her Resume for a job with her "stage" name on it. I don't know anybody who lies about their friggin' name because they would get discovered when it's looked up by the company. I guess from her choice of jobs(spas) maybe they don't look for them at all. OK, so she also tells me she loves her job, and then, two weeks later she's looking for another one. what happened? did I ruin her luck? THEN she tells me that she doesn't like arguing, but then I hear about her not biting her tongue. Now that isn't too diplomatic now is it? Who knows, maybe she's bi-polar because I swear she was contradicting herself alot.


on another note, I'd like to wish Michelle Obama a Happy Birthday, but that shit costs money. what the fuck, every chance they get they're asking me for 3 fucking dollars. fuck  that.


OK, so maybe I'm nit-picking so I can keep her out of my mind, but I can't help but think something was wrong with her that I, at times, didn't care to hear from her and was glad just texting her, which she didn't mind doing.....even on our first date, which gave me notice.


Yeah, yeah, she's an actress and I may never get to date another one again, only because I got burned by one, but that just means I can score one, :D..I've already scored a model, about two lawyers, and a couple teachers, so I'm pretty good at getting some intelligent, hard working, ambitious women, so why bother worrying about this girl leaving me alone. I'm OK, because my worth is up there.


I saw one of her movies...although, she was only there for like, what, five minutes or so ? I mean I guess it's cool because the movie sucked. The people that were raving about it must be out their fucking minds because, although it dealt with what may be a a serious dilemma in the U.S., the movie made no damn sense. I'll give it this much though: the movie does look better than most of the indies I've seen before, but some folks in there just didn't act natural...how the hell should I know right? well, I wasn't convinced by some of them.  Her role was so short lived that I can't really make an assessment on her performance. all I can say is I saw her...but that's it.

Damn

OK, so I'm obsessing over my damn ex because she's a friggin' actress and I hope not to see her, but she's been making appearances with big names like Ryan Reynolds, and she's even been on a TV show with not signs of slowing down so she's going to be hard to avoid. I don't think I'll see the movie that she's in because it will bring back memories to when she had told me about it and was getting fitted for some wardrobe. She was a sweetheart though, but I need to stop obsessing over her because there were things that I think I might have gotten tired of. Hopefully once I start up school again, I'll be better off, because for now I'm bored and all I'm doing is thinking about her, although not as deeply as the one Scorpio chick I dated in February of 2011. She was a real pain in the ass, but she was fine as hell, so I guess I kept on..I knew the flags were there, but I chose to ignore them because of her pretty smile. She was a brit and boy was she snobby as fuck. She had a snobby comment for just about everything that surrounded her. I swear she was different texting but over the phone she was a boring conversation. She barely talked, IF AT ALL. Get her on the phone and her responses to anything I inquired were nothing but boring as all hell. She was pretty slow when it came to conversation, almost like it was better to be around her than on the phone...YET she can text forever.  I swear I don't get women sometimes.

Damn, I sure messed up big time. for all I know I would've been with her at her grammy's award, who knows. I don't wish her any ill will, because she's very driven, and I like that in a woman. Even if I did mess up the beautiful relationship we had, and it was the BEST I've ever had. Boy she was SO into me, I think I was taken aback because of that and I freaked out. I'm used to women not responding with such passion towards me, but she really opened up to me and I did her wrong. How I can manage to mess that up I just don't know.  Oh, wait, yes, I do...my drinking. And I promised to drink while interacting with her, but some times. I do need to be more appreciative of life than before because I do have this disorder(Sarcoidosis) and I should be more humble and stop being so hateful. I'm going to try to do that, but being a Leo, wow, I am really arrogant at times. I was told that by the Scorpio, but she wasn't any better than me being a snob herself.

crazy because I had gone on like three dates with the Scorpio and I was deeply affected by her leaving me and than the acting chick. Maybe it WASN'T meant to be, but I just wanted it to last long enough to become intimate...by that I mean her telling me she loves me as well me to  her. We were good together and you could tell because we were so into each other. There were times when I was second guessing myself wondering how long before I mess it up. Oh, it didn't take long, but she forgave me too many times. I am sorry though because it IS my fault so.

anyways,

TTYL

WTF

I was about to change the name of my blog, but fuck it, it's already been viewed so whatever. Enjoy my rants.

My page was actually viewed? man, I hope it's nobody I know doing that nonsense. I just want a place where I can speak my mind and not  have to worry about who's reading this thinking I'm talking about them. of course some will do so, but hell, I'm not putting their names out so they need to chill if they are sensitive. Yes, it's me talking about others, but I'm not doing it in a malicious manner. I'm just making observations. some people don't like the way I speak(alot of them on Facebook) but I could care less so I'm all good. I'll talk about my exes because it's my way of venting. I used to do it on a notebook, but then that notebook got stolen, so I might as well post it on a blog since it's practically public information. I hope that my views are NOT my own damn views, LOL...I'm no attention whore, but damn, this would be crazy if I have to look at my own blog for some attention. I love myself, but not that much. :D
on another note, look at th is, :D




now that is funny as all hell. Never thought I'd think about this and it's an old photo, but it's funny.

me and my big mouth

well...once again, I manage to mess up YET another worthwhile relationship with a beautiful woman because of my big mouth, and drinking of course. Yeah, the thespian is gone. Took her two months to get tired of my antics and I don't blame her at all. She was very into me to the point that she was always thinking about me. The first thing she would do when she got up was text me. I've yet to find a girl such as her. Now she's gone and I have no one to blame but myself. Thing is I had told myself "don't drink, no matter what, around her at all. What do I do? I go and have a drink and the first thing I do is go off on her about four times, then I had posted something about her that she didn't like(probably because she's an actress and is trying to keep her image clean, which it is) and that was pretty much the last straw...she said too  many red flags. When am I going to learn that alcohol and me don't mix well and will always make women run from me. I'm not as affected by it because I know it was my fault, but now I have to go and find another girl. Replacing an actress is going to be a trial although I shouldn't put her on a pedestal, I have to get her out of my system first and then I can move on, becuase right now any girl will be a rebound and that is  not fair to any of them. I have been obsessing over her since she won't be easy to forget being that she's in television and movies. she's not an A or a B-list actress, but she's moving up though. I've only seen a handful of clips of her and I can't say anything about her performances, but she's doing it whereas I'm not so I can't really judge her like that. She does mostly commercials for now, but is trying to get into movies and television. She's not photogenic(her words not mine) but she's beautiful in person. I wonder how people who do casting view her headshots(I think that's what they call it)...I'd still consider her becuase some of her photos look nice. I know she's very conscious of her face's image because I wanted to take a photo of her one time, ONE TIME, and she was hiding her face with her hand. I thought that THAT was a sad thing about her because seriously, Hollywood is very fickle and they won't take an average looking person to film. She's far from average and I think she's got a very unique look to  her and that's what attracted me to her, but I've always been that way. I don't go for models nore superfine women because they tend to be fickle, and I can't say I admire that.
OK, so that was what I liked about her, now for what I didn't like about her and pretty much is the reason why I'm not so heartbroken: her constant communicating on her blackberry when we're on a date. All I'm saying is atleast show me enough respect to leave it alone for a few hours while with me. She did that on our very first date. I should've left her alone after I'd noticed that, but I didn't and I'm going to start looking for red flags myself such as that type of activity. another thing is for some odd reason I felt like she was a smoker becuase her breath smelled/tasted like it . she kept telling me that she didn't, but her whole car wreaked of cigarettes. I couldn't help but wonder. She had some crazy habits, like eating late at night, without thinking that she might gain weight. I don't think she ever gave her heatlth that much thought. She'd contradicted herself a couple of times during our conversations. She seems like a very confident person who knows what she's talking about, but was worried because of an interview in which she knew what she was talking about. I didn't get that, because I usually am sure of an interview and don't really worry about wether I got the job or not. for some reason I always thought "there's something missing that I'm not liking" I just couldn't put my finger on it. I could say her body was that of a character actor since she's doing such a thing. all I know is eventually I was going to lose interest even while she's falling for me had I not messed up the way I did.

so anyways I do wish her well, and I hope to see her and a theatre near me, it might take years before I ever see her in a major movie in a major role, but you never know. She's already got a movie for which I've yet to see her in, credit-wise, but I think she'll be a great actress. she's got that potential.