nice Friday for my life. I am living another day, which is great because I have not finished with what I want to accomplish, although at times I feel I do not know what it is anymore. Not saying I want to end my life, but I need something to live for.  I have a friend who makes over 90,000 a year and is basically a cheap, miserable bastard...a friend who always tells me that he likes me because we have intellectual conversations,  YET talks about me fucking on of my student workers...a rant that dragged for about 5 or so minutes...really motherfucker?...I think he's losing his touch on reality because he talks like a 3 year old and he's got, like, three degree, two of which are some funny masters(Spanish and French, really?) but whatever.

Entrepreneurial............and thoughts on an old Empire

From '91-'03, I worked part time. Yes, it's a long time to work part time, but I WAS ALSO in school.  Most of my friends worked full time and not going to school and were getting double or a little over me in terms of salary. Needless to say I had more in my bank account then they did, AND even asked me to borrow money almost on a monthly basis.  These people lived in their parents house while I lived on my own. I charged them interest of course because money transaction is beyond friendship, it's business.   Why not just take out a loan from your bank. But you see, I was charging them an arm and a leg for MY loan in interest. I drafted my own IOU and everything(working at a library has its perks, :) )...of which the terms were pretty much in the same language as a professional loan or even worse because I knew their credit must have been shot if they want to borrow money from me. Point blank: some people know how to make money, others know how to lose it. You are either one or the other, the in-between folks just work.


If other countries are attacking the U.S..........it's because we AS A NATION, not just as a certain race......have tortured and exploited them. Get real......are you serious.....you think that wasn't going to backfire on you sooner or later.  You have to be living on Mars to not be aware.  As of late I heard they have taken "history" as a class out of the classrooms so I wouldn't surprised that we NO LONGER know our own history as Americans. We can all cry about other terrorists that came before americans, but we have dig deep into books because they do NOT teach that in our schools unless you go into the library and read about the Roman Empire or the Ottoman Empire.  Stop thinking that the U.S. reign is going to last.  It is just the American Age for the moment, in about a 100 years or so, if we keep it up, Mexico will be here.  They are just as aggressive as most Hispanics/ latinos that you've ever encountered(must be that Indigenous and Spaniard blood in us that will not let us budge, :)

!!!A Hero Ain't Nothing but a Sandwich!!!!

So while I have friends who'd read the book "the Great Gatsby" for which after years of not reading it, actually it and realize that I probably couldn't relate to it at 13.....and for which I think was bullshit because before the 1930's people were living good(well, white people at least, I don't know about Mexicans and Black folks that were in the U.S. back then)....I read "A Hero Ain't Nothin' but a Sandwich"

This is a tale about a boy, named "Benjie" who gets addicted to "the stuff" as they called it back in the 70's..or heroine....I never knew what that shit was because I didn't grow up in a neighborhood where I was exposed to heroine being used in front of me. I was around drug dealers, but I never dealt with them. I was always at the library doing my homework because I couldn't do it at home and I needed space to concentrate and the library gave me the resources for me to do as such. 

One thing I got about "A Hero Ain't Nothin' but a Sandwich" is that I didn't want to be exposed to any of that nonsense and I didn't want my OWN family(my newly created family, meaning my son or daughter nor my wife) to be around this. I hope some people who lived in the hood actually did get that message and fought to get out instead of staying and live in a constant state of stagnation, complaining about how life is so haaaaaaaaaaard. It really is YOUR fault for not learning how to get out when you had so many opportunities to do so. 

I'm not pro-ethnic anymore because I live in the land where we have more cultures than I can count in my hand and I don't want them to feel unwelcome in my home as I have been welcomed. I hope many of you do as well. good night. 

TTYL!!!

Sometime I wonder if I even want to date anymore. Every woman I've dealt with have no time or are so anxious that they'd rather leave me alone instead of getting to know me better. I try to be as patient as I can because I don't want to make the wrong decision, but I run into women who just want to move. Some have children from other men, which makes me uneasy. What I mean is what does this mean: that you were so anxious to make the guy your man that you just banged him without really knowing him and ended up with a baby and now he's no longer in the picture? How does that make any sense? I don't have any children and I don't plan to have any until I get my wife. That's the only way I want to live: my wife and my own child even if just one. Some women seem dumb while others are just plain anxious and want to rush quickly to make me their boyfriend without even knowing me. Already this girl I'm getting to know is talking about giving up on dating indirectly addressing me. I brush it off because, to me, if you don't want to wait, then you're not meant for me. Sorry, but as I get older I feel like I should watch who the hell I'm going to make my girl and possible wife because I don't want to make a mistake and marry the wrong woman. A woman who can't wait for me to make up my mind should not even consider dating until she's sure of what's going to happen, and take her time. It seems to me like most women just want that ideal boyfriend who makes them happy every day that he shows up. Well, infatuation is fine, but sooner or later, if you want a serious relationship, you should take the time to get to know the person. I don't get it anymore and I think I should just lay off on trying to get me a wife anymore and just let the chips fall where they may. It's probably just best. It keeps me from going to fast with some psycho bitch(of which I've encountered more than once!!) or the girl who jumps into a relationship soon as they break up with another guy. I end up being the rebound guy, which isn't fair. That can happen or they could end up being my rebound, which I'd rather not happen. So she's pretty much made up her mind and I'm not going to try and pursue her anymore because she's got a son and I'm not trying to deal with another single mother. Why can't these women invest their time in raising their child/ren instead of looking for a boyfriend.

First Summer Job!!!!

Since Summer's coming to a close and alot of younger folks are wrapping up their summer jobs, I'd like to hear about your first Summer job? mine was as an artist for this newsletter called "Hot Sneakers" our numbskull of a boss came up with this nonsense, but I was the artists and I came up with the logo...and I also drew up alot of the art for the newsletter, which was about four pages deep since we only had two writers. Now these two were polar opposites and I was their bridge because I got along with both of them. anyways, my supervisor came up with this idea of ME drawing up a comic strip named "the bionic ant" and I remember myself thinking"what the hell?" but I did actually come up with a concept and it was pretty cool. I was 16, what was I going to come up with but a bionic ant, so since I had read comic books forever, I came up with something that Jim Lee might smile at,...I tried to do some art like he did, lol. Anyways, I got the workplace exposure while visiting mentors over at Aetna's insurance company. Love the guy, his computer's monitor was the size of the wall, but I loved it. He was using a friggin' Mac at the time, and I had messed with to do my comic in color. anyways I miss my "hot sneakers" crew although one of them turned into a law offender and the other went on to become a lawyer or something. 

so......WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST SUMMER JOB?

Nakia's psychotic ass

Here’s a more polished and concise version of your story. I focused on clarity, structure, and tone while maintaining the essence of your message.

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Reflections on My Time with Nakia Rivera

Looking back, I realize Nakia Rivera was one of the most chaotic people I’d ever met. She had a son out of wedlock, and while the kid was adorable, I could tell early on that his environment wasn’t going to set him up for success. She’d often complain to me about how he didn’t respect her, and while she didn’t give me the full story (as usual), I had a pretty good idea where things were headed. It was clear she was struggling to raise him right, and honestly, I don’t blame the kid for acting out. It’s hard to enforce discipline when your own life is a mess.

Her son clearly preferred his dad, who, to be fair, was a decent guy. But even he wasn’t without fault — he had two other kids from different relationships. I used to hope he’d go back to Nakia for their son’s sake, but looking back, I see that wouldn’t have solved anything. Poor judgment ran deep in that household, starting with Nakia’s decision to buy a rundown house she couldn’t afford instead of renting a decent apartment.

The House of Chaos

Calling her house a "home" is generous. It was an undervalued money pit she purchased without shopping around. No proper furniture, just a raggedy old sofa that looked like it had been salvaged from the curb. The place was always a mess — clothes everywhere, random clutter that never got put away. Every time I visited, I ended up cleaning it myself while she blamed exhaustion. Let’s be real — she wasn’t tired; she was lazy.

The basement? A dungeon. There was a busted step that eventually snapped, and instead of fixing it, you just had to "watch your step" going down. The bathroom was no better. She tried to renovate it herself, tiling with makeshift tools and no experience. It was obvious she had no idea what she was doing. Her whole house was a reflection of her life — poorly planned, halfway done, and falling apart.

Her Family Circus

Her family? A case study in dysfunction. They were friendly, sure, but way too friendly — the type that love-bombs you just to see if you’ll play "ATM" for them later. Her mom was a former (or maybe still active) crackhead, and I could never understand why Nakia let her stay in the house, especially with a known drug spot just blocks away. Her aunt 'Nette wasn’t much better — older but just as immature, with multiple kids from different fathers. Then there was her cousin, young but already living on welfare with no ambition to change. Her boyfriend was from Philly, friendly but aimless.

Her brother was the crown jewel of the madness — a jailbird with anger issues, trying to play "music producer" while stashing his equipment at Nakia’s house. It was wild. Her family would constantly drop by asking for favors like Nakia was rich. I tried to ignore it, but every visit to that house felt like stepping into a whirlwind of chaos. It got to the point where I didn’t even want to visit anymore.

What I Should’ve Seen Coming

Looking back, it’s clear I was blind to the red flags. The dysfunction in her life mirrored some of the dysfunction I’d seen in my own family, and I guess part of me thought I could handle it. I was wrong. I wanted to make it work, but she wasn’t even in the same state as me. If she’d moved to my city, where jobs were plentiful, maybe things would’ve been different. But she stayed in that rundown New Jersey suburb, surrounded by neighbors who were either elderly, stuck, or as ghetto as it gets.

Money, Ambition, and Reality

Her finances were a disaster. She had no clue how to handle money. She wasted it on useless stuff and had the nerve to call me "cheap" because I didn’t want to spend big on her. Meanwhile, I was the one paying to travel to see her — almost $200 each time. She never even offered to split costs. I remember her bragging once that she considered herself "middle class" just because she owned a house. I had to laugh. Owning a house doesn’t make you middle class if the house is falling apart, and you’re drowning in debt trying to maintain it.

I heard she eventually got a degree, but I doubt she’s using it. She never had ambition while we were together, and I doubt that’s changed. She’s over 30, and people don’t just change overnight. She might be a grandmother by now, and I can only imagine the generational cycle continuing.

The Lessons I Learned

At one point, I thought maybe if I stuck around, she’d change. But no — I see now that I saved myself from a lifetime of headaches and migraines. If I’d had a child with her, I’d be tied to that dysfunction forever. I’m grateful I had the sense to leave. It’s crazy how life teaches you to recognize the signs after the fact.

Good riddance, Nakia. Thanks for the life lesson.

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Meh, my Sat Rant, so get a 49311

More fucking bloodwork. I swear these damn doctors are all biopsy happy. that or they love taking my health insurance money for all they've got.

Sometimes I just think life really IS too short. I could be dead in about 15 years and that's not too far away now. You ever feel that way? I don't feel like I've accomplished everything I've wanted to YET I've accomplished more than most of my friends have without a degree nor a special skill. I sometimes think they're too damn lazy. Growing up the way that I did, I think that I deserve my accolades. I didn't have the support that most of my friends did and they should have taken those opportunities and turned their lives around, but they chose to fuck around and act like 15 year-olds in their twenties. Now they're in their late thirties wondering or brooding over some bullshit that they could have taken care of 10 years ago. I don't, no, I CAN NOT, have sympathy for that type of nonsense, because they had their support system intact. I AM tooting my own horn because although I did NOT have a support system, I did what they could have done without anybody's help. It's a good thing I learned to rely on myself instead of others to help me out otherwise I'd be dead by now for all I know.  I've managed to become a Junior or senior in college and I had help from nobody but ME. I had to figure out how to deal with the financial AID stuff by myself because my mom didn't know, nor did anybody that I knew since they NEVER went to college, nor did they want to start, which was frustrating, but I had always had the local library to rely on, which, although sometimes never helped, books assisted me better than the staff.

I feel that I have to state this just in case anybody wonders why I'm saying this, but I think that I have to brag about me because that's what I'm good at. I guess I have this blog because I really have no one that I can sound off too without them pissing me the fuck off because they don't think I am normal anymore. I think too much and alot of people don't like how I think, lol...I think sometimes I don't belong in this world or maybe in this era or age. Most people are just being dumbed down without knowing it or maybe they're just tired of trying to figure it out so they just give up. I've been one of those who doesn't give up thinking and I think that bothers others because I haven't succumb to what others think are the norm. Fuck them, and if you don't understand what I mean, fuck you too, because you belong with that insipid, dumbass group. All I want is somebody, SOMEONE to understand what I'm going through without calling me some attention-wanting son-of-a-bitch. I mean damn, I haven't said anything about your life and how you fucked it up. But since I have none of these people around me, I have chosen to just type away on a blog, so the world can read and see who the fuck cares to try to understand my ramblings, because I really am rambling at times. I think I do it to practice my vocabulary. If you haven't picked up on some words some people might not utilize these days....they're there, it's just you have to look further and see if you can see what I mean...or something,lol.

People waste their time trying to entertain their worthless lives with bullshit activities like going to the beach, only to regret it with the sun poisoning or sunburns that they get that might give them melanoma in about a couple years if they're old enough. One of my ex coworkers died of that shit, but she loved going to the beach when on vacation. As pale as she was, by the time she came to my job, you could already tell she was a prime candidate for that deathbed. I mean, her skin was just blotched with the sun's beatings on her. I don't usually pay attention to people's skin, but hers was just there, every time you saw her, her face looked like some rag that needed a rinse or bleach to make it even in color. her skin also shined like there was no tomorrow, which indicated to me that it was oily, I mean what the hell did she do to take care of her face?

It's funny because I'm the one who is all about being and shit and here I am with a disease that hit me from nowhere. Meanwhile I have a fat friend who doesn't know how to say no to carbs(OK, make that two friends who do that) and one who seems pretty care-free, and they're all seem pretty healthy. Well, it's either that or they don't want to disclose it like the bitches that they seem to be. I swear I am the most honest out of all of my friends who seem to want to out-do one another. I have never held back anything from my friends, but I always feel as though they do that so they can look good when they never do because they haven't achieved shit except having kids,which is simpler than you think. for all I know,they could be diabetic(they're all fat, except me, I mean damn, give me a clue) but will not tell me about it. Must be a man thing, but I don't mind telling them that I have my disorder/disease/etc. however you want to address what I have. I know that most of them have insecurities because they don't like my judging them when I do it. I try not to fuck with them, but DAMN, when you're over 35 years old and you're acting like some fucking child, you should be called on it. Just because your dumbass family members don't do it, doesn't mean I'm going to be the same. I've been told by some of them that they look up to me, and I have to wonder why, because to me, that would make me older than them, at least that's how I always thought that sentiment was meant. my own peers are saying that they always looked up to me, and it makes me uneasy because I don't like having followers, you know? Like my relationship with my younger brother..or lack thereof. I always told him to be himself and never to follow anybody. Wouldn't you know he ends up just trying to please me all of the damn time. To this day he tries to emulate ME and I really despise when people can't be themselves and try to copy others. My thing is if you've ever experienced who I am, then you would know that I hate people that copy others, so why copy me? I know it seems like I'm talking about myself, but what the FUCK? It's my blog right? So why not?

When I think about all of the people I've had in my life(not too many) throughout the years, and the way I see them now it's just........what a waste of time. alot of them ended up deadbeat dads or just plain down and out, while I've been breezing through life working and going to school. All the while these dumbasses were talking about "why are you still in school" .........."well, gee, let's see.....so I would NOT end up like YOU" there's your answer if you're so interesting my academic career. They make snarky remarks like" you're a career student" which usually comes from someone who hasn't finished college or someone who doesn't know how to function in life period. I have a friend who swear I am such a slacker, he thinks I should push to get more out of life.. This is coming from a person who's pretty much like five years older than me and has never held a REAL job, was living with his parents throughout his college career and was CHOSEN to the job that he has now. He never went looking for that job because he never knew how to look for one to begin with. His degree got him that job and They chose him from a list of people. He's such a bitch when it comes to life, because, although he's alot older than me, he's never really lived outside of his mother's nest. He was living in my city and was wondering why he was getting his car tampered with on a regular basis. Meanwhile he's wondering why I have no car. Living in this city, your car could get tampered with. I know because I had one broken into. I know a thing about living on my own. I've had my share of irresponsible roommates, and unpaid rent due to a crackhead living my apartment.

I think I'll stop here

TTYL!!!! :)